Patience...is what motherhood taught me or not?

I think I have never been patient in my life for anything like when others are talking, you should patiently listen and then respond (I would cut them short and start talking ..rude i know) or like wait in a line patiently (long queue in movie theatres chuck it..buy it in black even if I could get the tickets had I waited patiently in line) the list goes on, but you get the point right?

Things changed completely after Kulli was born. If someone asks me what changed after motherhood? I immediately without blinking an eye tell them "I ve learnt to be Patient". I think it is true to a great extent. For example, nowadays when I am talking to someone Kulli screams at the top of her lungs and when asked what happened she goes "He no talk to (the person that has my attention currently)", I stop talking immediately and just keep listening to the other person. When I am waiting to board the flight in line Kulli screams again (like mom like daughter you see) so to make sure I dont have the attention of all those boarding the flight, I start entertaining Kulli and forget that I am actually waiting patiently in line. And I have already told you how we go to movies nowadays.

If you still dont believe me let me tell you another incidence that will prove to you that I am extremely patient and have mastered the art of being so. Last week we were in Chicago to visit Shonapa's friend and his wife. We stayed at their place for 4 days. Kulli got a gift as soon as we entered the house. Kulli has never paid any attention to the toys we have got her so far, she will play with the toy for 5 mins and forgets completely about it. But this one toy got her attention for 4 full days. Shonapa played with her the first time and after the cups were all stacked up to a tower all of us applauded the little one. This got her more interested with the toy and she kept building the tower for one full day. Every single time she finished building it, she would look at all of us and we had to duly applaud for "Her Highness". The first day madam built the tower approximately atleast 60-80 times. Each time her mother had to make sure that everyone claps for her (so I had to be patient to do so :)). Also, if she wasnt able to place the cup correctly she would tell me "Amma dont be frustrated, try it again". She told me this atleast a 100 times in one day. At the end I kept telling her "Kulli am getting frustrated cos you are asking me not to so often :)".

Now tell me,  am I not patient?

Mommy Guilt...will it ever go away?

Imagine this: your heart is ripped out, you are still alive and your heart is shook in front of you with such vigour that you feel the pain in your chest. Sorry for describing it like this, I dont mean to be a sadist, but thats the amount of pain I endured this past week when my child had a simple febrile seizure. She has had it twice earlier when she was nearly a year old and the pain was exactly the same.

I have been explained in detail by reputed doctors that simple febrile seizures are harmless especially the ones that has lasted for less than 2 minutes but still when as a mother I see her go throught it, my heart breaks and the guilt demon makes way so deep in me that I cant get rid of it.

Worst is when at the back of your mind the demon keeps telling you ways of how you could have avoided it "you should have given her the acetominophen even if her temperature was normal, you should have done this, you could have done that grrrrrrrr"

Life is much better now (thank god), with the kid doing great and back to normal. Atleast now I am saner, I still panic but at the same time I do respond wisely to such situations.

With all said, my next task is to get rid of this guilt demon. Any ideas how that can be done? What do you do to be a saner, wiser mother?

Love thyself

Isnt it true that we should love ourselves first? Its a great lesson I learnt from my dad and my husband. I always keep reminding myself that I should teach this to Kulli when she grows a little older and understands this. Little did I know that Kulli already loves herself and does not need to be taught :). If you dont agree to this, please read further.

Shonapa keeps telling Kulli "Appa loves you", "Amma loves you" (he actually screams this and its like a game wherein when shonapa screams "Appa loves you", Kulli goes "Kulli loves you"). He then asked her "You Love?" and she said "You", Shonapa was elated but then thought about it for a while and realised she would say the same thing ("You") if anyone asked her "You Love?", thats when he taught her to say "You Love Appa". Kulli learnt this very well cos whenever I asked her "You love?" she would happily yell "Appa", this made me go red in anger, envy and I counted to 10 made sure I was calm and then taught Kulli to say "You Love Amma", I repeated this like 100 times and made sure even if I asked her in sleep she should say "You Love Amma" :) .

So when Shonapa acme home from office, I took Kulli to him and asked her "Amma Loves?", she goes "You", "Appa Loves?" she goes "You" and finally to make my point to Shonapa I ask her "You Love?" and she goes "Kulli" sigh :(